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I have feelings about geese bums.

I’m having a problem having an authentic feeling. For example, I can recognize if something is funny, but then I have to go through the process of reacting appropriately.

This is how it should work:

Funny Thing Happens = Immediate and organic smile/chuckle/laugh/tingle
Sad Thing Happens = Immediate and organic frown/sigh/cry/heart sinks

This is how it works for me at the moment:

Funny Thing Happens = I think to myself, “that’s amusing.”

There is no physical sensation and my reaction time sucks. If I am with a group of people, I end up being the one with the blank look on my face while everyone else is pissing themselves laughing. My brain is telling me that I’m amused, but that’s as far as it goes. There are a lot of emotions floating around out there, but I’d be cool if I could just feel happy and sad again.

There are a couple of things going on here. One is that this particularly long lasting and troublesome depression is robbing me of my feelings. The other factor is that my medication is dulling any feelings I may have just in case they are icky crazy ones.

This is on my mind because of Canadian Geese. On my drive to work, I pass a few little ponds. About 20 Canadian Geese had crowded into one of these ponds. Every single one of them was busy feeding from the pond floor.

I drove past a small pond that was completely filled with geese who all had their asses in the air.

I GIGGLED!

Wow, what was that? It took a bunch of goose asses, but I think I just had a feeling. This is good! This is progress! I decided to keep a list of all the real feelings I had that day.

Here is the list:
1. Geese asses on the way to work.
2. Geese asses on the way home from work.

I’m hoping to add to my list today.

6 thoughts on “I have feelings about geese bums.”

  1. I have never resonated with something so much before. I too suffer from depression and often feel like I’m so incased in my own head that every thing becomes thought out and robotic. It feels artificial when I’m smiling or laughing or sad because I feel like I’m doing it because society would dictate that is what I should be doing. I stopped feeling genuine for a long time. It’s a terrible feeling. But I’m really glad you had the moment with the geese, as strange an incident as it was I actually found myself smiling too at it as I read. When we take a break from being trapped in our minds (as you probably were when you saw the geese on your trips to and from work) our emotions flow easier. It’s okay to let emotions flow and to just feel, because sometimes for people with depression, who are so used to being in an apathetic state, can be scary. It’s not an easy thing to accomplish, but being self aware of the robotic instincts is half the fight. Just know you are not the only one who feels like this, you are loved.

    I run a blog about mental illness called “Dear Hope”, join the community here: wemustbebroken.wordpress.com

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      • This is a struggle I too have, and currently, fight. Apathy has become so familiar that actual emotions bring a whole knew weight and pressure upon me when they shouldn’t. I’m sure you understand. Just don’t be afraid to live, emotions are meant to be felt. I saw you followed the blog, thank you very much. Gave you a follow back. Look forward to interaction in the community from you!

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  3. I call myself “recovered” but sometimes this still happens to me. The worst is when I look at my husband and feel nothing, no connection, only distance, which usually results in me snapping at him over something (or nothing, as it were).

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