I’m having a problem having an authentic feeling. For example, I can recognize if something is funny, but then I have to go through the process of reacting appropriately.
This is how it should work:
Funny Thing Happens = Immediate and organic smile/chuckle/laugh/tingle
Sad Thing Happens = Immediate and organic frown/sigh/cry/heart sinks
This is how it works for me at the moment:
Funny Thing Happens = I think to myself, “that’s amusing.”
There is no physical sensation and my reaction time sucks. If I am with a group of people, I end up being the one with the blank look on my face while everyone else is pissing themselves laughing. My brain is telling me that I’m amused, but that’s as far as it goes. There are a lot of emotions floating around out there, but I’d be cool if I could just feel happy and sad again.
There are a couple of things going on here. One is that this particularly long lasting and troublesome depression is robbing me of my feelings. The other factor is that my medication is dulling any feelings I may have just in case they are icky crazy ones.
This is on my mind because of Canadian Geese. On my drive to work, I pass a few little ponds. About 20 Canadian Geese had crowded into one of these ponds. Every single one of them was busy feeding from the pond floor.
I drove past a small pond that was completely filled with geese who all had their asses in the air.
Wow, what was that? It took a bunch of goose asses, but I think I just had a feeling. This is good! This is progress! I decided to keep a list of all the real feelings I had that day.
Here is the list:
1. Geese asses on the way to work.
2. Geese asses on the way home from work.
I’m hoping to add to my list today.