I called my doctor yesterday and said I’d like to see him ASAP. He wasn’t going to be in the office, but he set me up with one of his colleagues for today. I really wanted to make it work between Adderall and I, but it wasn’t allowing me to get my mood stable or bring my anxiety down. Taking speed every day makes practicing “mindfulness” a tad difficult. I am overdoing it, getting stressed, and the Adderall was the locomotive of this runaway train. Choo-choo
I could just stop taking them. I could just stop taking these little precious gems and get through the day on all that extra energy that the depressed posses. I’m sure without these little tactical tic-tacs, my thoughts and focus would get in-line and obey me, ADHD be damned.
I’m being a little melodramatic.
Truth is, Adderall is very addictive and I have very little self control or will power. I’m also petrified that if I don’t take something else to replace them, I’ll tumble back into that really muddy depression. I’m in the “don’t have any real feelings” phase of depression right now and there are worse places to be. It isn’t the Club Med of mental health, but it isn’t Motel 6 either.
*Fun Fact: If you find yourself temporarily visiting a psych ward and speaking with the nursing staff, start each sentence with the phrase, “I know this isn’t the Hilton, but…..” Example: “I know this isn’t the Hilton, but I do believe it is 4 minutes past medication time.” or “I know this isn’t the Hilton, but I have been looking forward to having the chocolate pudding for snack time. It seems you only have banana. I dislike banana pudding.” and “I know this isn’t the Hilton, but I would like to speak with your boss about this “no under-wire” bra policy.”
Nurses love that shit.
The doctor I saw today wasn’t my regular doctor. Don’t tell, but I kind of liked him better. We had a great chat about all of my options. I didn’t feel rushed and we went over everything. And then we went over it again, because even when medicated, I have the memory of a goldfish. I just collected my brand new bottle of Vyvanse, and I’ll give it a go tomorrow.
Just for old time’s sake, I should take my last two Adderall and stay up all night making lesson plans like the good ‘ol days.